Understanding the Three Unhealthy Self-Esteem Styles and Their Impact on Mental Health
- mandysnider
- Feb 4
- 2 min read
Self-esteem shapes how we see ourselves and influences our mental health. When self-esteem is unhealthy, it can lead to stress, anxiety, and difficulties in relationships. Understanding the different ways self-esteem can become unhealthy helps us recognize patterns that might be holding us back. This post explores three common unhealthy self-esteem styles and how they affect mental well-being.
Image caption: Reflecting on self-worth can reveal unhealthy self-esteem patterns.
Performance-Based Self-Esteem
People with performance-based self-esteem tie their value to their achievements. Their sense of worth depends on success at work, school, or other accomplishments. This style often leads to a relentless drive to prove oneself, sometimes at the cost of personal health and relationships (Real, 2018).
How It Shows Up
Working long hours to meet high standards
Feeling worthless after a failure or mistake
Constantly seeking new goals to maintain self-worth
Why It’s Harmful
When self-esteem depends on performance, setbacks can cause deep feelings of failure. This can lead to burnout, anxiety, and depression. For example, a person who identifies as a “workaholic” may neglect self-care and social connections, increasing isolation and stress.
Practical Steps to Improve
Practice self-compassion by accepting mistakes as part of growth
Set boundaries to balance work and personal life
Focus on intrinsic qualities like kindness and creativity, not just achievements
Attribute-Based Self-Esteem
This style links self-worth to possessions or external attributes. People may believe their value comes from material things, physical appearance, or even the success of others close to them, such as their children (Real, 2018)
Common Examples
Valuing oneself based on cars, clothes, or physical fitness
Parents feeling worthy only when their child excels
Measuring success by social status or relationships
The Impact on Mental Health
Relying on external attributes creates a fragile sense of self. If possessions are lost or a child struggles, self-esteem can plummet. This can cause anxiety, feelings of emptiness, or identity confusion.
Ways to Build Healthier Self-Esteem
Reflect on personal values beyond possessions or others’ achievements
Develop hobbies and interests that foster self-expression
Seek therapy to explore identity separate from external markers
Other-Based Self-Esteem
This style depends on approval from others. People feel worthy only when others validate them. This can lead to people-pleasing behaviors, fear of rejection, and difficulty setting boundaries (Real, 2018)
Signs to Watch For
Constantly seeking compliments or reassurance
Avoiding conflict to keep others happy
Feeling lost or anxious when alone or without social approval
Why It’s Risky
When self-esteem depends on others’ opinions, it can cause codependency or love addiction. This makes it hard to maintain healthy relationships and personal autonomy.
How to Strengthen Self-Worth
Practice saying no and setting clear boundaries
Spend time alone to build comfort with self
Work with a therapist to develop internal validation skills
Recognizing and Changing Unhealthy Patterns
Understanding these self-esteem styles helps identify which patterns affect you or those you care about. Change begins with awareness and small steps toward building a stable, internal sense of worth.
Tips for Growth
Keep a journal to track thoughts about self-worth
Celebrate qualities that are not tied to achievement or approval
Surround yourself with supportive people who value you for who you are
References
Real, T. (2018). Fierce Intimacy: Standing Up to One Another with Love. Sounds True; Unabridged edition
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